Letter to Myself

You were always a rebellious, a revolutionary, a civil war type of love. You were always transcending normal conventions. A miracle worker with your comfort and strength. Damn, you were suave and sincere. No one held me tight like you, no one loved me quite like you. And we’ve had a long affair, since I was conscious we have been in love. I write this to you, myself actually. To remind you that you’ve always been a little crazy but a little sexy. Always been a little fast but mostly slow with the charm. I love you, you Dominican caramel Barry White poet. I love you, you sensitive nerd. Eyes like compassion and lust had babies and their babies ran the family trade for centuries to come. Ego, now that was your weakness for some time. But now that has been quailed. You’re calmer now. You’re softer now. Not so rough on the edges, smooth like eggs cause to piss you off it takes a commitment like marriage that most people don’t have the emotional intelligence to adhere to. I wanted you to know that through all of this, through the bipolar disorder, through the three hospitalizations, through the four attempts at suicide, through all of it, I love you. Love you like the coldest winter cause thats always been my favorite season. Love you like poetry cause I’ve written enough to have my own library section. I love you. From the days when you didn’t know how to write in any language cause school confused you to now when you have been heartbroken so many times you don’t even want to write. But I got you. I always got you. I’m you after all and I love you, us, me. Remember when you wouldn’t let me love you? When you were convinced you were someone else. Well, it’s true. You were a stranger to me, but dammit I still loved you. Cause you’re a beautiful soul. Dynamic and static at the same time, you’re a beautiful conundrum. Everything about you, you’re a slow talker and a fast thinker, you’re precise like strategy but fuck up so many times that I can’t help but laugh. Damn it Lu, I love you. From your curly hair to your little toes. I love you. I know you hear it from ancestors, how amazing and powerful you are. But you never believed them cause you didn’t know how to tap into that for a long time. It’s been sometime since you felt like yourself,  cause you were lost in depression and mania. You were lost in loving a woman more than loving yourself. and that’s how you lost her. But you’re back at it. Back at being yourself. I must say, I’m proud of you. You’ve turned it around. You’ve become something spectacular. I love you. You were always a little hard to love. You demanded so much of yourself. But now, I can’t help but love you.

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