Love Letter

I’ve had many teachers throughout my life. From my parents to professors in college, I’ve had many. But none has been as thorough and calamitous as Love. Many teachers tell you about being broken down to be rebuilt. That the best way to grow is to be reborn. But Love doesn’t concern itself with such trivial things. It won’t break you down. It will destroy you completely. Utterly and fantastically annihilate you, just because you decided to waste its time. And though Love doesn’t break to build, if you survive the wreckage you would walk through life not in love but with love. See I loved this woman for four years. For 1/6 of my life and I lost her because I was making too many excuses with my mental illness. I lost the drive that she was attracted to. I lost my sense of me. And when I lost her. I felt like I lost everything. Love is a bitter teacher, a menacing, grudge holding, unpleasant bastard. That is if your looking for the wrong thing. When I lost her, and if your ever reading this I’ll speak directly to you. When I lost you I felt helpless, hopeless, less than worthy of anything. I felt incomplete and destitute. I felt self-hatred and confusion. I cried for days and weeks on end. Because I loved you. I loved you through poems, through words, through small actions, through any way possible with my depression. You told me it wasn’t enough. But it was all I had. You told me it wasn’t enough, but it was ALL I had at the time. And when I lost you, nothing made sense to me anymore. Almost a year later and I can still say that I love you but without the depression attached to my actions and used as an excuse. I let you down for three years, for an 1/8 of my life. And at times I still think about you, I still worry, I still, I still believe in a brighter day for us. Love didn’t break me down to build me up, it broke me, again and again. And for a long time I stayed down and didn’t fight back. But now I learned the game, I’m learning the movements, the tempo, the mechanisms of love. And we’re flourishing as friends. I still love you, I really do. I can never not love you. I’m sorry for wasting your time. For not being the man you wanted and needed. Maybe I will never be. But I wont let any of that stop me from being in love with me. That’s the only way I could give myself, you, anyone and everyone real love. Love thyself, loving myself is what I’m concerned with. Because I must grow, I was watering a dead flower and not planting other seeds. I love you. I miss you. And if you’re reading this, just know that I will never give up on us. You’re mine and I am yours. You’re my bestfriend and baby we got bonds.

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