Mania/Depression

My biggest fear was being myself. I was paralyzed by the idea of being me. I didn’t know myself after mania and depression, after hospitalizations and medication. I was afraid to be me, of me. For years, my biggest worry was being myself. My biggest burden was not knowing the difference between the manic/depressed and the stable me. Because I loved mania. I loved mania for years, it was the best feeling in the world. But after mania comes depression. After the apex comes a sharp fall from the mountain and theres no floor. High ceilings and bottomless spaces. That was the transition from mania to depression. Jumping out a plane with no parachute and a bag full of cement. There were moments were I wanted to kill myself, where I couldn’t find the energy to sleep, eat, talk, walk. There were moments were everything wasn’t working, and I mean everything. For so long, for years I was afraid because I didn’t know who I was anymore. But today, two years and two months after my last hospitalization I know who I want to be and how to be myself. This is the greatest feelings I’ve ever had. Mania was fun, but too dangerous. Depression, was never fun. Now I know myself, and I love me. I love me.

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