When was the last time I loved myself? Cloaked in the richness of winter winds, caressing my own skin. I’ve fallen for me again but can’t remember the last engagement. Oh, I love me. Eyes like honeysuckle and full lips like passionfruit, my smile is my best feature. A piece of other dimensions, a peace of 1970’s funkadelics.
I haven’t loved me for four years, I haven’t even known myself for four years. Who was I? What drove me? I was a stranger unto myself, living in borrowed body like possession. And even my movements felt weird. These medications, they numbed me. They slowed me down. They paralyzed me. And I felt ok with it. I was fine with not being me for four years, that why I couldn’t love me. I didn’t for four years, so the last time I loved myself was before this diagnosis. Before these meds. Before the psych wards. Before the depression. Before the time I almost jumped in front of the 1 train on my way to see my therapist. Before all of it. When I was 19 about to turn 20.
This smile is my best feature. Like the lost arc. Shining like determination and hope. I was in this realm of beauty since birth. Damn, I’m feeling myself. Stare at mirrors and fall in love, like I’ve never loved before. This body, this soul, this brain, like gifts from the Bodhi Tree, the Kaaba, the Abrahamic God, the genes of my parents steeped deep in Afro-Caribbeanness. My father was a single man battalion with the depths of black holes and the love of a poet. My mother, now she is a choir of angels, she’s a blessing, she has my smile, cause it wasnt till I was born that she found it.
I love myself. Blessed by the Buddha and Allah through my heritage. This is a covenant made from lambs blood and rainbows, made from crucified prophets and meditation. I’ve learned to love myself again, this broken body may never heal but it doesn’t need to. The damaged ego, the broken self-esteem, the weakened mentality, all these things. They are me and when I heal and grow they will too. I walk through this valley hand in hand with the worst of me. And I love me.